I haven’t picked up a clarinet or a saxophone in 27 years. I always intended to ‘get back into it’ but life got in the way. I figured my musical instruments would live safely at my parents house until I was ready. And then they moved and made the ultimatum that I’d have to take them into my custody. It was no problem as I had plenty of space in my house. Plus with them in my house, the chances of me playing them again would increase…
But it never happened. They stayed tucked away in a closet collecting dust.
Recently, my husband reminded me of our intention to let go of stuff, to declutter. He reminded me that there is someone out there who could likely derive joy from playing the instruments that I owned but was giving no love to. Reality hit me and I agreed.
I figured Facebook marketplace would be the best place to list them for sale. As I opened their cases to take photos, a wave of emotions came over me. The sight of my beautiful top of the line clarinet, the smell of it, the memory of it flooded me. I remember my grandparents buying it for me as a gift and how happy I was. I know it was so generous and that they spent thousands of dollars on it and I felt so guilty that I abandoned it. I thought…I’m just going to put it together and start playing again. And then I realized…I actually don’t know how. I don’t remember how to read music. I don’t remember how to play. And I really had to fight back tears. It was a mourning of sorts…that this part of my life is over.
When I was in elementary school and everything about academics mystified me, the one thing I was good at was music. It lit something up in me that nothing else could. I was finally good at something. Every summer I went to band camp. Marching band was my life for most of high school. Music was really my whole world. I intended to play through college, but competition got in the way. While I may have been ‘good’ in my small community on the big stage, I was mediocre at best. It was when I realized that I am not a competitive person. I just wanted to play and enjoy the music. I didn’t want to have to audition for a spot and I really didn’t want to be at the bottom of the barrel. So I gave it up. I was barely making it in my academics and yeah, I really enjoyed partying. So I closed that door, thinking I’d open it again when I had time. Except that time never came.
Yesterday, I sold my clarinet. I looked at it fondly, one last time before bringing into the FedEx store to send it along its way to a very appreciative person in Colorado. I lovingly appreciated my grandparents for buying me the top of the line Buffet clarinet that elevated my music to the next level. I gathered up the strength and walked into the store and sent it off to someone who I hope truly appreciates it.
