Why????
Why do I consistently feel this way? I am exhausted and I am sick of faking it. All I want to do is crawl back into bed. I even tried that this morning, but I couldn’t sleep.
I’ve just had an incredible vacation that involved all my favorite things – sunshine, being naked, driving around in a van, and meeting animals. I should be rejuvenated and refreshed but I am not. I’m just tired and all I want to do is hibernate. I wanna cover myself with a blanket, smoke a little weed, and wallow in a misery that I have no business having. This is not to say that I am not grateful. I am incredibly grateful for all the good that I have in my life. I am incredibly fortunate for all that I have. This has nothing to do with that.
I don’t know why I am like this. Is it the residual effects of burnout, all this time later? Is it the fact that the work I do doesn’t inspire me? Is it that I don’t want to work at all? Is it something more mental or physical, or clinical?
I really don’t know. But what I do know is that just writing this is hard. The only motivation that I have is that it is a distraction from doing anything else. I’m so sad and angry that I am like this. I want to be the happy, easy going person that I put out into the world. I don’t want to be an exhausted and miserable curmudgeon but it is truly who I am on the inside and I don’t know how to stop it…
