After a long hiatus, I find myself back in therapy. But this time, it’s for real. This time, it’s for the somatic approach. Because the body does not lie. Last time, it was polite. This time, it’s going to be real.
She asked me…
“What do you want things to look like in three month’s time?”
I want to be able to better deal with myself. Because let’s be honest…
I live a relatively easy, charmed life.
The fact that I can’t deal with working full time when I don’t even have half of the responsibilities of most people makes me feel like an utter failure.
I can’t just lie on the couch for 4 hours and expect things to happen.
If a diagnosis of something is needed, I need to face it head on. And if the diagnosis is simply burnout, I need to face the reality of that. In other words, if I am making up a story to justify my laziness and failure, then I need to face that head on as well.
I also truly don’t want to be triggered any time I am in an interaction with my mother. I really don’t, but I just don’t know how to let her in. There’s got to be so much angst and trauma trapped in my body and if my therapist is right, it has been compounded by the lack of organic movement that has existed in my life for the past two years.
The hardest thing for me will be showing my true colors. Because I truly believe for the most part that I am kind of an asshole and if more people knew the real me, they would know how much I suck. On the surface, people like me but they don’t see…
- how mean I am to my mother
- the feeling of angst that goes through me when people talk about church, god, or anything along those lines. Just typing that stuff impacts my nervous system
- I’m kind of over it with kids. The people who post non-stop about their kids especially annoy me
- my general disdain for most of American culture
So, I need to be free to be me even if I am a despicable failure of a human being. And while it hurts to write this, I had to get it out…
