When will it stop? When will I wake up and realize that I have reached a point of burnout that I can barely function? When will I see that work and stress have infiltrated my life to a point that I find it difficult to see the joy in things? I can no longer suck down coffee, followed by wine. I need to do something. Just like the frog that started in a pot of cool water, the water has boiled so gradually that I fear I am not going to see it until it is too late.
The thing is, I see it. I see it when I take a step outside myself. I see it when I meditate. I see it when I do have a moment of peace and quiet. But it’s like an addiction. An addiction to stimulation, and addiction to self created importance.
But it’s more than that. I could literally walk away. I could walk away right now. I made a conscious decision to have no children. I have no one who depends on me. I have a husband and a dog. And yes, the dog is a bit high maintenance, so my biggest concern would be funding his care. I have a mortgage, but do I need one? Our bullshit capitalistic society has told me, brainwashed me into thinking that I need things. I need to have a house. I need to have a car. I need to go on nice vacations. I need to buy crap that I don’t need whenever the mood strikes.
So right now, I am basically trapped by fear. I know what it is like to have no money. I acknowledge though that I probably have NO IDEA compared to what some have been through. But I have lived paycheck to paycheck in a world where my cooking skills involved finding ways to be creative with ramen noodles. I don’t want to go back there, but what I do want to do is find a way to cure my addiction to capitalism and to be happy living simply with less. Only then can I walk away and be free.
